The Volturi Diaries, Season 1
by Claire Violet Thorpe
Summary: Presenting to you the tales in which the Volturi are nothing more than a bunch of misbehaving...jerks! Now including characters from the Vampire Diaries and True Blood! Now complete! Wait for Season 2!
1. Nutty Volturi

I know, I know, starting up another story while I'm neglecting others. But relax! I said I would make good on my promise to add some Twilight fics to the mix, didn't I? So there you have it.

Also, the Volturi are the property of Stephenie Meyer; I'm just messing with them.

Everyone thinks that the Volturi are nothing more than troublemakers who crash parties, annoy other vampires, tell everyone what to do, and just generally being nothing more than a bunch of bad boys.

Unfortunately, that's not true. Aro, Caius, and Marcus, along with their wives and the guards, are going to be doing fun stuff such as sneak into movies without paying for them, hitching rides with basketball players, and just living their eternal lives causing trouble for everyone else. Don't worry, the Cullens and Wolves will be happy to take over for them if they cause too much trouble for everyone!

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And now for part 1 of the story...

_Just after they were humiliated by Voldemort and they had to fight with that stupid wizard..._

**Aro**: Can you believe that jerk? He makes fun of us! We don't like that at all!

**Caius**: You said it!

**Marcus**: Well, at least he won't be saying much for a good long while.

**Aro**: I know! Now, let's go do something humiliating to him!

**Caius**: Like what?

The Volturi got together and raided Voldemort's house and spray-painted the words _VOLDEMORT SUCKS, VOLTURI RULES! WE'RE THE GREATEST! _on his house. They went back to Italy and gathered all the guards together.

**Caius**: Guess what, everyone?

**All**: What?

**Marcus**: We're going to cause nothing but trouble for everyone!

**Aro**: Like that Voldemort guy.

**Jane**: You mean the guy who said mean things about you?

**Caius**: You know it!

**Felix**: Yeah, I'm up for some mischief!

**Aro:** What do we do now?

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	2. Felix Killed Rasputin?

Two chapters in one night? Yup, that's me!

And now for some more Volturi troublemaking!

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**Felix Gets Mad Because Someone Accused HIM of Murdering Rasputin**

Felix prided himself on being…well…a very dangerous Volturi guard. That was, until he went outside on a cloudy day and some old woman threw a book at him, yelling, "How could you kill him?"

"Kill who?" cried Demetri.

"HIM!" The old woman hissed as she pointed to a picture of a bearded man in the book.

"Remind me to eat her," Felix said to Demetri.

"You got it," said Demetri.

They made their way back to the castle, where Giana was saying to them, "You two are in a lot of trouble."

"Whatever for?" they cried.

"Ask Aro," said Gianna as she went back to her book.

The boys went to the throne room, where Caius said, "I hear someone accused you of murder."

"Like I would murder a guy outright," Felix snapped.

"Only because your name is in that book," Marcus said as he pointed to the name _Felix_.

"Wait," said Jane. She wrote down the name _Prince Felix Yussopov_ and handed it to him.

"Hah!" said Aro. "So you were named after the man who murdered Rasputin!"

"Who?" asked Marcus.

Giana came to them with a book. "_Rasputin was a Russian mystic who was in the courts of Czar Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra of Russia," she read. "His so-called "ability" to heal the sickly son of the Czar and Empress won him favor with the Empress herself. During World War I, it was evident that Rasputin was also controlling the Czar and with that, Prince Felix Yussopov and several others took it upon themselves to kill him. It wasn't a very easy task and Rasputin was a very hard man for them to kill. But with his death, the Russian empire fell and_..."

Well, we can all safely say that Felix had that old woman for dinner, and no one ever accused him of murder again.

Aro said, "Well, how's about we go meet this Rasputin guy? I think he sounds interesting."

And to that, they all yelled, "NO!"

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	3. Kitty Issues

Ahhhhhhhhh here we go folks! Here's chapter 3!

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_Remember when the Volturi got scared off by my cat in_ "**I Got Twilighted**"?

Here's how they lived their lives since then...

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Aro cried out, "I can't believe those Wolves dared to humiliate us! And on TV no less!"

"We'll make them pay for this," said Caius. "In cash, or credit card!"

"Let's get a dog," said Marcus. Everyone stared at him. "No, seriously! A dog can keep us safe from that cat!"

"I know," said Aro. "Let's get that 245-pound dog! We'll be very safe!"

"Ok," said Caius, "but he's with you. I don't like dogs, remember?"

Well, the next day, the Volturi awoke to a terrible surprise. Instead of the huge dog they wanted, they instead got a very tiny dog.

"Eeeeeeeeekkkk!" cried Aro. "What kind of a joke is this? I asked for a huge dog, not a little puppy!"

Jane said, "But he looked so cute and all alone. I just had to take him."

"But how will he protect us from the kitten?" cried Caius.

"It's a big ball of fluff, with a…face on it!" cried Marcus.

"We're not getting rid of the puppy," Alec snapped. "So you guys will have to keep him!"

"Oh no!" cried the Volturi.

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	4. Alec sneaks into a girl's clothing store

Chapter 4 is here! Enjoy!

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Alec was bored. He was also upset that Jane was running around in cute girl clothes. Felix said to him, "Why are you so upset?"

"Because Jane can go into girl stores and I can't," Alec frowned. "I hate being a boy!"

"Well, why don't you dress up as a girl and find out where Jane likes to go shopping?" said Demetri.

"Of course!" said Alec. "We'll dress up, wear wigs, and try to hang out with Janie! That's a great idea!"

On Saturday, three strange girls were seen walking into Brighton's, a popular clothing store for girls. Jane was also there, but she had no idea that Alec, Felix, and Demetri were following her. Not until she heard three girls laughing behind her back.

One said, "Did you hear about Jane Volturi?"

"Yeah," said another. "I heard she's a total whore."

"What?" said a third.

"You both know she's been having that affair with that Aro Volterra," said the first girl.

"Really?" said the third.

"I heard it's been going on for a long time now," said the second girl.

"What are you talking about," Jane snapped.

"You've been having an affair with Aro," said the first girl.

"So what?" Jane snapped. "It's not like it's illegal. Besides, we're vampires. Did my brother send you to spy on me?"

"Uh, brother?" Felix looked at Jane uneasily.

"RUN!" yelled Demetri as he, Alec, and Felix fled from the store.

"GET BACK HERE!" Jane yelled as she chased them.

To be continued…

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	5. Jane's Revenge

Five chapters in one day? I must have been really bored! Anyway, enjoy!

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After finding out that her twin and his friends were spying on her, Jane grew mad. She needed to make her brother and the other two pay for their stupidity.

She sneered as she took pictures of Alec, Felix, and Demetri trying on all her clothes and rushed to her computer. Within a few moments, she had made up a mock magazine cover with the guys in girl clothes and quickly having the others write up fake articles, she had to printed out and sent to stores in Volterra.

Needless to say, everyone laughed at the pictures of Alec and the others dressed in girl clothes and even Aro laughed so hard he could barely breathe.

Alec wasn't very happy about this. He and Felix said, "We'll show her!"

(_Well, looks like the prank wars are ON_!)

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And so, we now present the Volturi Prank Wars!

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	6. Heidi Gets Facebooked

Six chapters? I must be a total Twilight fanatic! Anyway, enjoy!

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Jane and Alec were getting down and dirty with their prank war, with everyone getting sucked in. Heidi, Afton, and Santiago sided with Jane while Chelsea sided with Alec.

No one was safe, not even Giana. She wasn't very happy when she discovered that someone had written a very embarrassing story about her so-called "tryst" with Marcus Volturi and put it on the Internet.

For that, she blamed Heidi.

Heidi was sitting there reading a book when someone came up in front of her and slapped the book in her face. "Owwww!" she yelled in anger. "Who did that?" Then looking around, she yelled, "Alec Volturi, you're dead!"

She and the others gathered and they dumped Jell-O all over Alec's bookcase. Alec, not being too pleased with that, spray painted Jane's teahouse. Jane grew mad and dumped mud into Demetri's hiding spots. Demetri stuck huge snakes into Heidi's boots.

Aro, Caius, and Marcus were at a loss on how to deal with the prank wars. This story won't end well...

to be continued...

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The Volturi Prank Wars continue!

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	7. Paintball Battle

And now for an action scene...

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Two teams had lined up in the main room at Volturi castle. Jane and Alec stood there at the front, glaring at each other. Felix, Demetri, and Chelsea were staring at Heidi, Afton, and Santiago. War had broken out some days before and this was it.

The Paintball Battle was about to begin.

When Aro, Caius, and Marcus stepped out the room, the angry guards grabbed paintball guns and began fighting, being careful not to hit Giana and making sure that the other team was being pelted mercilessly by paintball bullets.

"Jerkface!" Jane yelled as she shot Felix. "I should have known that was you who called me a slut!"

"You ARE sleeping with Aro, are you not?" Felix retorted.

"Shut up, Felix!" Heidi yelled as she shot Felix between the eyes. "And yeah, you're the jerk who killed that Rasputin guy!"

"Uuuuuugggggghhhhhh!" Felix yelled as he tried to shoot Heidi, but missed and Afton was now chasing after him.

Chelsea and Santiago were going at it, using the butt of their guns as weapons; Alec and Demetri were barely dodging shots from Jane and Heidi. Afton and Felix were having an all-out fight. The paintball battle wasn't about to let up anytime soon. That was, until Athenodora and Sulpicia left the comfort of their tower and arrived into the throne. This was now a war zone, and they both were shot.

"Eeeeeeeee!" screamed Athenodora. "You got paint on my dress!"

"You little brats are in big trouble!" yelled Sulpicia. "When Aro gets back, I'm gonna tell him..."

"What do you have to tell me, dear?" Aro's pleasant voice rang as he and the others walked into the throne room, only to get shot.

"All right, all right, that is enough!" Caius yelled out. "I will be having none of this "_paintball war_" that you are doing!"

"As punishment for messing up the throne room," said Marcus, "you will all be cleaning it up!"

"So why were we fighting in the first place?" Aro smiled.

Jane glared at him and said, "Alec and his friends spied on me, so I'm making them pay for that. Felix even called me a slut because of...Marcus."

"Me?" cried Marcus. "But I am dedicated to my beloved Didyme!"

"And she got killed by that stupid Iusalevand Sinbone," said Athenodora. "Please, Marc, let her go. She won't be very happy if she sees you like this."

"Oh, I'm so happy for you and Janie!" Sulpicia smiled.

Aro had an uneasy look on his face. "Jane," he said, "I think you and I need to have a little...talk."

As he and Jane walked off, Alec frowned as Caius confiscated the paintball guns and handed out sponges. "You will not be watching any movies until this place is spotless," he announced.

"Noooooooooooo!"

To be continued...

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The Volturi Prank Wars have ended...for now! But the story continues, with all new characters, new recruits, and a battle between Lord Voldemort and his child minions.

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	8. Cleaning Up

So, what happened after the paintball battle?

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Alec frowned as he, Afton, Santiago, Demetri, Felix, Heidi, and Chelsea were made to clean up the entire hall, where the paintball battle had taken place. He was so going to make Jane pay for this.

Demetri said to him, "You think she learned not to mess with us?"

"I bet she's planning something to humiliate us with," said Felix. "No way is she going to let this slide."

"I agree," said Chelsea. "But the whole "_Aro Volturi_" act will have to go. No way is Janie going to forgive you if you expose THAT part about her."

"Yeah," said Felix. "The LAST thing we need is for Janie to attack us with her powers. We don't need anymore drama in here than we already have."

"Except for what's-her-name," said Alec. "The brat who got away. How old is she now? 15?"

"Let's kidnap her and hold her ransom until Janie concedes," said Demetri.

"You're wicked!" cried Chelsea.

"I know it," said Felix.

"While we're at it," said Alec, "let's get those other guys as well. We could use them."

"For what?" Caius snapped, overhearing the conversation.

"You'll see," said Demetri.

Aro pulled Jane aside and said, "You're not really seeing Marcus, or are you?"

"Why would I want to see him?" Jane cried out. "He's such a moody little baby."

"I see," said Aro. "He hasn't gotten over Didiyme."

"Why not kill that one guy and get it over with?" cried Jane.

"Of course," said Aro. He looked at Jane sharply and said, "No more lying, agreed?"

"Never again," Jane said as she kissed him.

James, Laurent, and Victoria found themselves at Giana's desk. They were not very happy with the whole deal. Aro was even angrier with them and it'll be easy to see why...

To be continued...

* * *

So why were James, Laurent, and Victoria in Volterra? Will the prank feud between Alec and Jane ever stop? And are Aro and Jane really together? We'll find out real soon!

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	9. Dog Days

Another new member joins the Volturi!

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Remember when the Volturi got a dog, no thanks to Jane?

Well, here's what happened next:

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Aro, Caius, and Marcus were bored out of their wits. Ever since Jane had gotten them that tiny dog, they were forced to feed him and walk him every day. Soon, it became a common sight for the humans in Volterra to see their vampire rulers walking a very small dog around the entire city. Aro frowned, thinking to himself _this is even more humiliating than those stupid Wolves humiliating us on TV. I bet that they'll be having a field day with this._

Needless to say, the Wolves of La Push laughed themselves to pieces when someone had recorded the Volturi and the dog and posted it on YouTube. That wasn't the worst of it.

The next day, Alec came home with another tiny little dog, which was yet another thing to tick Aro off.

"NOT ANOTHER TINY DOG!"

To be continued...

* * *

Why are James, Laurent, and Victoria in Volterra? Will Aro get over his dislike of tiny dogs? And will Jane ever admit she's having an affair with Aro?

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	10. Nomads In Trouble

What happens when the Volturi find out about James, Laurent, and Victoria? Let's find out!

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Aro, Caius, and Marcus sat on their thrones, surrounded by their guards and TWO tiny puppies nipping at their feet.

James, Laurent, and Victoria were facing them. All three nomads wore worried looks on their faces.

"So," said Aro, "you three are the troublemakers that we had to put up with, right?"

"Well," said James.

"Don't speak unless we speak first," Caius snapped. "I heard you tried to kill Bella Swan. All of you did. The Cullens and those smelly oversized dogs had to stop you on a number of occasions."

"Even then, there's the matter of your song," said Marcus.

"What song?" James snapped.

"Uh, this one," Aro snapped as he clicked on a YouTube video.

(_Here, we have a song they all sing_)

**James**: They call me James, bad boy James! I'm the baddest vampire around! I'm the type of guy your friends warned you about, but you don't care at all!

**Laurent**: Call me Laurent, I'm just a boring old bloke with an unhealthy obsession with apple pies. I'm Jamaican, if you please; call me the N-word and I get to eat you!

**Victoria**: I'm Victoria, the smart one, I can hold my own against these two jerks! I like to keep what's mine; anyone who tries to steal them will surely die!

**All three**: OK, so we're the badass vampires, and we like to walk about! But if you dare to cross our paths, we'll eat you without a second thought! Hah! So there! And now we must have a word with those animal-eating Cullens…

"Well?" said Aro.

"It's very true," said Victoira. "We're the badass vampires! Nobody messes with us and lives!"

"I see," said Caius, "and for causing trouble in the Twilight Saga, I sentence you three to at least 6,000 hours of community service, in which you will be serving the Cullens and the Wolves and doing whatever they say."

To that, James, Laurent, and Victoria had one thing. "NOOOOOOOO!"

After they were sent off, Aro and Jane met in their secret room with the dogs. Jane said, "You need to give them names."

"I don't want to keep them!" Aro cried out. "I wanted that 245-pound dog!"

"Will you shut up about the 245-pound dog?" Jane yelled. "Now give them names!"

"Fine," Aro said. "The first puppy will be named Shadow and the second dog will be named Storm."

"Very good," Jane said as she kissed him.

To be continued...

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So now that Aro named the dogs and James, Laurent, and Victoria have been punished, what more trouble can the Volturi get themselves into?

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	11. Watching Avatar

So the Volturi watch "_Avatar_". Good idea? I'm not sure.

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from "_I Got Twilighted_": The Volturi are trying to buy gifts to lure Carlisle away from his family and people are seen leaving a theater talking about _Avatar_.

(_just then, Jacquel, Sam, and Safie are seen leaving the movie theater with a bunch of cheering people_)

**Guy**: You gotta see _Avatar_, dude!

**Guy #2**: Best movie ever!

**Aro**: What?

* * *

Alec had went out and brought a movie called "_Avatar_". Everyone was excited, except for the Volturi, of course. They had no idea what "_Avatar_" was about or why it was the "_Best movie ever_".

Well, of course everyone gets together into the theater room that Gianna had recently built and began watching the movie.

Right. If only they had known to be careful when someone says, "_Best movie ever_" to a movie they didn't understand.

"Blue people?" cried Jane.

"What's this about humans that we don't know?" cried Afton.

"Well, don't I see all," said Caius. "The guy gets a hot girlfriend and he ditches the mission!"

"Isn't that cute?" cried Sully.

"That's stupid," cried Marcus.

"Shut up, Marc," said Santiago.

By the time the film ended, there was a promotion for a movie called "_The Last Airbender_".

"SERIOUSLY?" cried Demetri. "That's not the "_best movie ever_"! What a freaking rip-off!"

"You said it!" cried Felix.

"What are you talking about?" cried Heidi.

"Did you know that "_Avatar_" is really a children's TV show?" cried Felix. "James Cameron ripped off Nickelodeon just to get the title of the show! How dare he!"

"Well, I guess this means we get to write him a really mean letter then," said Demetri.

"And teach M. Night Shyamalan how to say "_Suck on that, Harry Potter_!" in Italian!" Chelsea chimed in.

Alec put the movie away. "So what do we do now?" he asked.

To be continued…

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AN: Just so you know, AVATAR is the movie made by James Cameron and THE LAST AIRBENDER was made by M. Night Shyamalan. AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER was a children's cartoon on Nickelodeon.

There's trouble up ahead for the Volturi! What will they be doing next?

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	12. After they got mocked by Charlie Bone

I wrote a short story about how the Volturi were humiliated by Charlie Bone called "_Charlie Bone vs. Twilight_".

Charlie Bone belongs to Jenny Nimmo.

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(_Cue scene when Charlie mocks them_)

Aro said, "I think it's time we taught that little boy a lesson!"

"I agree," said Caius. "Let's get him!"

"Wait!" yelled Marcus. "I have a better idea!"

"Like what?" yelled the Volturi.

"I say we make him into a movie star," said Marcus.

"But should we at least get all the books first?" said Alec. They all stared at him. "Well, at least let's get to know him before we attack him or exploit him."

So, they all raided their local bookstore and made off with five Charlie Bone books (_because they decided that it would be easier to read five books even more so than 8_). Marcus sat at his computer and quickly typed up the entire story into a five-hour movie. Aro read the last three books and decided they weren't good enough to go into his brother's movie.

After two weeks, Charlie Bone and Billy Raven looked out the window and saw three vampires coming towards them. The Volturi.

"Oh crap!" Charlie cried out. "They're coming to take us away!"

To be continued…

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What'll happen when the Volturi sees Charlie again?

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	13. Seeing Charlie Bone again

What happens when the Volturi decide to capture Charlie?

Charlie Bone belongs to Jenny Nimmo.

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Aro said, "Remember us, little boy?"

"You're that gay vampire who likes that Carlisle guy!" Charlie cried out.

"You're sick!" cried Billy Raven.

"You boys are being mean again!" Aro said, then he burst into tears.

"Crybaby," muttered Olivia.

"There there now," Jane said as she hugged him. To Felix and Demetri, she said, "Capture those brats! They're dead now!"

"Crap!" cried Charlie. "Run for it, guys!"

Well, it was nearly impossible for eight children to outrun several vampires. Nevertheless, Charlie wasn't about to go down without a fight.

Joshua Tilpin overheard the commotion and he ran out; the nets Felix was carrying suddenly stuck to him. "Haha!" Joshua laughed. "You guys are powerless without your nets!"

"Get that boy!" Felix yelled to Heidi.

Manfred came out of his room, yelling, "WILL YOU GUYS CLAM UP? I'm trying to read here?"

"More like read your iffy grandpa "_The Southern Vampire Mysteries_"!" Charlie mocked.

"Be nice, Charlie Bone!" Ezekiel yelled. "Now Manny, read to me! Hahahahahahahahahaha!"

Chelsea snatched Charlie and carried him off. "Where are you taking him?" Manfred yelled.

"Italy," said Chelsea. "He mocked our leader, so he has to stay with us as punishment!"

"Now listen up here, you little chit," Manfred snapped. "You have no right to show up at our school and steal innocent children…"

"But we can steal you and your grandpa," Jane said as she snatched Manfred.

"But why?" cried Charlie.

"You all know way too much about us," said Caius, "and we have rules in this world: no human is allowed to know that vampires exist. If they did, then it's back to the witch hunts and I really don't have time for witch hunts at all."

With Charlie, Billy, Olivia, Emma, Tancred, Lysander, Gabriel, Fidelio, Dagbert, Joshua, Manfred, and Ezekiel captured, Caius said, "We got them, boss."

"Good," said Aro. "Now it's back to Volterra!"

"VOLTERRA?" Ezekiel yelled. "You cannot take us to Volterra! The boy's uncle will kill me!"

"You should have thought of that before you made him read about vampires," Aro snapped.

With that, the Volturi loaded their captives into their cars and drove off to Italy.

Paton grew angry when he found about about Ezekiel; he vowed to rescue Charlie and make the old man pay for his stupidity...

To be continued...

* * *

What's going to happen to poor Charlie? Aro seems to be on a mission to exploit him!

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	14. Bree's Revenge

Since Bree's story is about to be released real soon, I'd figure I do a bit on her. The Volturi are going to pay for what happened to her in _Eclipse_...

* * *

After Charlie and his friends were secured, Aro said, "That'll show them who's boss!"

"Yeah, but I have a strange feeling that someone is going to be destroying us," said Marcus.

"Like who!" said Caius. Just then, Bree showed up.

"BREE?" the Volturi cried out.

"Yup," said Bree. "My story's been written. Everyone's going to find out that you destroyed me even BEFORE I had a chance to live!"

"We're so sorry, Bree," said Aro. "Please don't use whatever powers you might have and destroy us!"

"Too late," said Bree. "Bring out...THE BREE-FANS!" At once, scores of angry young girls showed up, all armed to the teeth with weapons. They were wearing T-shirts that said "_TEAM BREE_". They growled at the Volturi.

"I have a bad feeing about this," said Jane.

"Me too," said Felix.

"GET THEM!" yelled an angry Bree fan. The Volturi screamed as the Bree fans chased after them.

To be continued…

* * *

Oh crap! The Volturi are so dead!

Or are they?

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	15. After the Beatdown of a Lifetime

So, what happens after the butt-kicking?

* * *

After Bree and the Bree fans finally left, the Volturi were lying all over the throne room, with injuries that vampires usually don't get, like cuts and bruises and broken bones. Athenodora and Sulpicia were running around treating them and complaining about the mess the fans had left behind, such as broken glass and vulgar sayings written on the walls about Aro, Caius, and Marcus.

Aro said, "I'm such a fool, right?"

"Yeah," said Caius.

"I hope that any fans of Charlie Bone don't come after us," said Marcus. Little did they know that a group of angry Charlie Bone fans were camped outside their doors...

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Will Charlie Bone fans will get their revenge on the Volturi?

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	16. Vampire Recruits

Looks like the Volturi want to hire some new guards. This shall go well...

* * *

Aro frowned as he had called for a meeting in the throne room. "As far as we know, we need new recruits," he said.

"New recrutis?" Jane asked. "But why?"

"We need people who are willing to work for us and to be perfectly honest, we have you guys; we just want more people to work for us," said Aro.

"And what of Gianna?" cried Felix.

"She's not enough," said Caius. "We need to find people who are orphans, poor, or forgotten. People who won't be missed."

"Yes," said Marcus. "There are hundreds of people out there who if they disappeared, no one would know or care."

"We eat them as our meals," said Alec.

"But suppose some of them had powers we could use," said Aro. "With their powers, we'd be unstoppable!"

"So where do we find these kinds of people?" said Chelsea.

"That's where you and Heidi come in," said Caius. "You two will bring in some humans, some will be for eating, and some we will see if they have powers. Those who do will be turned immediately."

"That sounds great!" said Aro. "And now we must prepare to train our recruits and..."

"Walk the dogs," Jane smiled as she brought out Shadow and Storm.

"Oh no, not this again!" Aro cried out as Jane forced the leashes into his hand.

"But on the flip side, we can scout for humans," said Caius as Jane pushed them out the door.

Once again, the people all turned and laughed as they saw the Volturi walking their dogs. Aro had an angry look on his face, but Caius was observing the behavoir of various people. Some were with others, and yet some others were alone. Those who were alone wouldn't be missed.

Then again, he had an idea: _why not take teenagers_? Some of them had no families and they wouldn't be missed by anyone at all.

It would only be a matter of time before the recruiting and training began...

* * *

Well, people are going to be recruited...but who would want to work for a bunch of crazy old Italian vampires anyway?

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	17. The Time Soon Arrives

What do the Volturi do when "_Eclipse the Movie_" comes out in theaters?

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The Volturi were sitting in their castle overhearing the commotion that was going on outside. "Silly humans," said Aro. "They think they own the world. But WE own THEM!"

Caius agreed. "They are nothing more than animals for us to eat."

Marcus said, "And yet, Carlisle Cullen INSISTS on eating animals when humans are much more delicious."

Caius then said, "Look at those humans, getting ready to watch a movie. I wonder what they're planning to watch."

Just then, Jane said to them, "Time to walk the dogs!" She had Shadow and Storm on their leashes. He tiny dogs were jumping around her ankles.

"Not this again!" Aro cried as Jane forced the leashes into his hands.

"And make sure that everyone sees what cute little dogs they are!" Sully's voice rang out.

Aro scowled as he and Caius walked outside. "And take Marcus with you!" yelled Athenodora. "That poor man hasn't seen the sun since Didyme died."

"I'm fine, thank you," Marcus grumbled, but Sulpicia and Athenodora grabbed him and shoved him out the door.

Very soon, the Volturi found themselves at the center of attention once again, as SCORES of women and children stopped whatever they were doing to look at the puppies. This annoyed Aro to no end. The next two things certainly made his day...

The first incident was when he asked a random teenage girl about the movie. She said, "It's called _The Twilight Saga: Eclipse_. Isn't that going to be great?"

Caius frowned and said, "Uh, don't you have anything better to talk about instead of that trivial movie?"

"I think you hurt her feelings," Marcus said as the girl left them crying. that was nothing compared to what happened next: a group of angry people wearing _TEAM BREE_ t-shirts stood at attention.

"There they are," said a girl. "There are those Italian idiots who ripped that poor Bree into pieces!"

"Let get them!" another girl said.

"Do you two ever get the feeling we're about to be attacked by those fans of Bree?" Aro asked. The others nodded.

"GET THEM!" the girls yelled. The Volturi grabbed the puppies and ran home screaming their heads off as the angry girls chased them.

"I think it's time we paid a visit to Ms. Meyer," said Caius as soon as they were safely inside the castle.

"Indeed," said Aro. "This has gone on long enough."

* * *

So, what will SMeyer say to the Volturi? We'll find out...eventually!

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	18. Another Movie Disaster

The Volturi watch another movie. This shall go well...

* * *

After the disaster with the "_Avatar_" movie, Alec swore they would never watch another movie again. Well this time, Jane grabbed a movie for them to watch. It was the Anastasia cartoon.

During the movie, everyone seemed to get more and more annoyed, as the movie didn't even talk about those rumors about Anastasia's survival and it turning into a poor rendition of a Disney movie.

When the movie ended, Aro stood up and said, "We're going to go shoot those idiots who work for Disney. They botched up a good story!"

"But first, you must walk the dogs!" Jane said as she called Shadow and Storm to her side. The tiny dogs barked happily as Jane pushed Aro and Caius and the puppies out the door.

After Afton put the movie away, he said, "We need to find someone who knows a thing or two about Anastasia and make them explain it to us."

"Hmmm…" Giana thought. "How's about a trip to Forks?"

"Good idea," said Athenodora.

* * *

Well, think back to when Aro suggested that they all meet Rasputin. Is that a good idea?

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	19. Travel Arrangements

The Volturi go on vacation. With them, _anything_ goes!

* * *

Aro frowned as his bags were packed and they were all off to the airport. Jane had had everything set up for their trip to Forks.

But there was one problem: their private plane had broken down so they had to resort to flying commercial.

Aro smiled as or one thing, he could parade around like the leader that he thought he was, but #2, everyone would know who he was.

"Out of the way, mortals," he yelled as they walked into the airport. "We are the Volturi!"

"We're the greatest!" Caius yelled too.

"Hey look!" cried a boy. "It's those vampires who have those little dogs!" As sure enough, Shadow and Storm came running out of their cage and started jumping around Aro's ankles.

"Awwwww," said the people.

"Eeeeeeeek!" Aro screamed. "Jane, why'd you let the dogs out? We've got a reputation to keep up here!"

"How can you not like those little dog?" Sulpicia cried out as she picked up Shadow.

"They're such nice little dogs," said Athenodora as she picked up Storm.

"But we can't be the fearsome Volturi if we have cute little dogs running around," Caius protested.

"We're the Volturi!" cried Aro.

"Now, be nice to those puppies," Jane said sternly. "We're taking them with us."

"Oh no!" the Volturi cried as Jane made them hold the dogs.

* * *

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	20. At the WRONG Place at the WRONG Time

What happens when the Volturi go on vacation?

* * *

When the plane landed, Aro was very angry. Not only did he have to deal with Shadow and Storm, but he had to be on an airplane with annoying humans he couldn't even eat.

Jane said to him, "Don't worry, it'll be over soon."

"I hope so," said Aro. "I'll never fly commercial again."

Sulpicia said, "I don't like the service here."

"The in-flight movie sucked," said Alec.

"Yes," said Caius. "Like why on earth would we want to watch "_Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince_" to begin with?"

"Even the book was stupid," said Felix.

"If you ask me," said Giana, "I'd say that the whole Harry Potter series is just pathetic."

"And it repeats itself every freaking time," said Demetri.

"Like how?" said Heidi.

"Harry Potter is with his abusive relatives, he escapes, goes to Hogwarts, gets in trouble, fights with Lord Voldemort, and goes home," said Afton. "And they call it wonderful."

Chelsea said, "But why can't they read a much better book, like "_Percy Jackson & the Olympians_"? I think the books are so much better than what we have here."

"And what about "_Charlie Bone_"?" said Marcus. They all stared at him. "I'm sick to death of hearing how it's a rip-off of _Harry Potter_."

"If anything, I say _Harry Potter_ stole ideas from "_Lord of the Rings_" and other people's works," said Santiago. "He like killed the fantasy genre. Now everyone wants to read about vampires to get rid of this "_so-called magical filth_" that's been shoved into their heads."

"I know," said Aro. "I mean, even _Dracula_ sounds better than this pile of crap."

Just then, the announcer said, "Today the Harry Potter Theme Park has opened, so everyone on this plane is required to get a ticket and visit the park during their stay here."

"What?" cried Jane.

"Harry Potter has his own theme park?" cried Athenodora.

The Volturi could only do one thing. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

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	21. Unwanted Field Trip

The Volturi meet an unwanted person...

* * *

Aro frowned as he was given tickets to the Harry Potter theme park. Scores of people dressed as wizards lined up, all preparing to go to the park.

Caius said, "I really don't like this. Aren't most of these people too old to be dressed in costumes?"

"I say," said Marcus. "What shall we do?"

"We must get out of here before we get...Potterized!" cried Jane.

"I know, let's blow this crappy joint and have us some real fun!" said Felix.

They all agreed and slipped out of the line and took the next bus. This took them all the way to Jacksonville. This was where a certain woman lived.

Renee Dwyer was in her garden when she saw a group of vampires cheering, "We are the Volturi! We're the greatest!"

"Great at what?" Renee asked.

"We're the best vampires around!" said Aro.

"Really?" said Renee. "When last I checked, Dracula was the greatest vampire ever."

"I say we kidnap her," said Caius. "No one mocks us and lives!"

Phil came in saying, "Renee, who are you talking to?"

"We're the Volturi," said Marcus.

"We're the greatest," Aro yelled.

"Yeah right," said Phil. "You're not so great!"

"In that case, you have just earned yourself a kidnapping!" Aro snapped.

In less than three seconds, the Volturi had made off with the Dwyer couple. An old woman saw the kidnapping and phone the police, but they laughed and carted her off to a mental hospital. But Charlie Swan knew something was wrong and he knew the Volturi were up to something.

The one thing he hated more than being kept in the dark was the Volturi. He was going to make them pay for their troublemaking...

* * *

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	22. Spilled Secrets

The Volturi are forced to tell Renee the truth...and she's not too happy!

* * *

Renee whined and complained as the Volturi drove off in the car. "Who are you and where are you taking me?" she snapped.

"You know that cop, don't you?" said Marcus.

"What cop?" Renee yelled back.

"That cop who busted us last year," Aro snapped. "That cop who humiliated us. That cop who keeps putting the breaks on our fun."

"He's a cop," Renee shot back. "That's his job; to stop criminals from doing bad things."

"That Charlie Swan knew better than to stop us from being vampires!" Caius snapped.

"Charlie?" Phil cried out. "You mean HE's the one who stopped you?"

"That man humiliated us on an international scale," Aro cried out. "He knows that we're vampires. In fact, he's probably planning to bust us again so we can get ourselves humiliated by those stupid wolves!"

"Wolves?" Renee snapped.

"Those stupid shapeshifters live next door to those Cullens," Marcus said, "and their favorite activity is called "_Let's make fun of the Volturi_". They humiliate us every day."

"So you're some kind of vampire mafia?" Phil asked.

"Well..." Alec began, but Jane beat him to it. "Yes," said Jane. "We lead the vampire world. We make sure that the rules are enforced and that only those who deserve to be eaten are eaten."

"So you mean…Bella married a vampire?" Renee gasped in horror.

"None other," said Caius. "She married one of the Cullen boys."

"And they had a kid," said Aro. "But what was her name again? Roselle? Ruby? Rhonda? Something that starts with an R?"

"Renesmee," said Alec.

"Indeed," said Phil. "Looks like we're grandparents, Renee."

"Grandparents?" Renee screamed in shock. "And Charlie knew about it?"

"OK, that's way too much information," Marcus said.

"Oh, you better start talking before I whack you over the head with my purse," Renee snapped in anger.

It could be said that while the Volturi feared Charlie Swan, they were now terrified of Renee Dwyer. After all, she was Bella's mother.

"I think we better start talking before she does something," Felix warned.

"Yeah, like call the cop on us," Demetri agreed.

When Charlie came home that night, he got the following message on his voicemail: "CHARLES ANDREW SWAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT OUR DAUGHTER MARRIED A VAMPIRE? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT I HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER? WHY DO I HEAR RUMORS ABOUT YOU BEING FRIENDS WITH WOLVES? I'M GOING TO COME TO FORKS AND STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT, JUST YOU WAIT!"

Billy clapped a hand on Charlie's shoulder and said, "I feel bad for you, man."

"Now what do we do?" said Charlie.

"And I bet the vampire mafia was behind this was well," said Billy.

"Yeah," said Charlie. "We're going to bust them yet again."

Aro felt uneasy as the trip progressed. "I really don't like where this trip is taking us," he said. The others agreed.

* * *

Renee's phone call to Charlie is also featured in "_I Got Twilighted_!"

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	23. Wrong Town, Wrong Vampires

The Volturi are in the _Vampire Diaries_! What can possibly go wrong?

* * *

For the next few days, Renee Dwyer was consistently torturing the Volturi. She kept asking them questions about vampires and the Volturi and even about why they drink blood.

At length, Caius was so tired of Renee that he said, "How about we eat her and end this nightmare?"

"No way," said Aro. "Bella would kill us. We don't want her to kill us…"

"Or set those wolves on us," Marcus said.

"What about turning her?" Alec suggested.

"What? And have her annoy us until Judgment Day?" cried Caius. "Forget it!"

"So, what should we do with her then?" said Jane.

"Use her as bait and capture that stupid cop who dared to mess with us?" said Athenodora.

"Good idea," said Aro. "We'll make sure he pays for messing with us!"

"And what if those huge wolves come after us with their sharp teeth and claws and video cameras?" said Marcus.

"We'll be humiliated, as usual," said Caius.

"Not to mention being torn to pieces," Jane chirped.

"I don't want to be humiliated or torn to pieces!" Heidi cried out.

"Oh, you better take me to Charlie or I WILL set this car on fire and all of you are trapped in it!" Renee snapped in anger.

"OK," said Aro. "We'll take you to the cop. But for the love of Dracula, please don't scream into your phone. It's driving me nuts!"

"Well, he knew he was wrong for keeping me in the dark about Bella," said Renee. "And he didn't even tell me that I have a granddaughter at all! And what do I hear on that La Push Show?"

"Jacob and Rosalie got caught in the bed together and Emmett got his heart broken?" said Demetri.

"Well, that, and he's dating that Sue Clearwater," Renee snapped in anger. "Doesn't he know she has a husband?"

"When last I checked," said Aro, "she was a widow."

"Her husband died of a heart attack, poor thing," said Sully.

"So what gave him the right to just date her?" Renee snapped. "Charlie doesn't even like Phil!"

"Hey, I protest at that remark!" cried Phil.

"Well, all this talk about the cop is making me thirsty," said Chelsea. ""Let's get something to drink."

"Or someone," Afton said.

The Volturi all agreed and found themselves in a nice little town somewhere in Virginia. Virginia. They didn't even know they were not in Forks. And that's kind of too bad since they had no idea that this was the world of the Vampire Diaries.

Soon, Giana parked the car at a restaurant and the Volturi got out. "There's got to be some humans no one would miss around here," Aro said.

"Yes, there should be," said Marcus.

"What about us non-blood drinkers?" Renee snapped. "What will we eat?"

"You'll eat at the restaurant and we'll do the hunting," said Caius. "With some luck, we'll catch a tramp or a hobo or something like that."

Just then, a girl stepped out of her car and said, "Hi, welcome to Fell's Church. I'm Elena Gilbert." Two other vampires stood beside her. "I'm Stefan Salvatore and this is my brother Damon," said Stefan.

"Fell's Church?" said Heidi.

"You mean..." cried Santiago.

The Volturi cried out, "Oh no! We're in the Vampire Diaries!"

* * *

PM me if you know anything about the _Vampire Diaries_ because I don't!

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	24. Vampire Diaries or Twilight?

Aro was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that he was in the Vampire Diaries, or that he was meeting Elena, Damon, and Stefan. Caius frowned as well, but Marcus soon resumed his bored look.

Elena said, "Well, so let me get this straight: you're the Volturi?"

"We're the greatest!" Aro smiled.

"Weirdo," said Damon.

"At least she doesn't have to choose a werewolf," said Marcus.

"Really?" said Stefan. "When last we checked, we're better than you."

"Oh ***really***?" said Caius. "In that case, you boys and your girlfriend have just boarded the Kidnapping Express!"

The Volturi snatched Damon, Stefan, and Elena and rushed back to their car, where they quickly drove off, leaving Fell's Church behind. Renee said to them, "Well, isn't that a bit harsh?"

"Harsh, you say?" said Aro. "I think not!"

"Considering how close Elena's story is like your Bella's, I say yes," said Marcus.

"Now, let's put some distance between us and this town before anyone finds out," said Caius.

Katherine watched the scene unfold and grew angry. Elena went with the Salvatores and she didn't. She would make them all pay...

* * *

Oh dear, once again, the Volturi resort to kidnapping their rivals! Will they NEVER learn?

PM me if you know anything about the _Vampire Diaries_ because I don't!

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	25. To Be Continued

Aro, Caius, and Marcus were now back on the road, having raided the world of the Vampire Diaries and kidnapped Elena, Damon, and Stefan a few hours before. They thought things would last forever.

Unfortunately, this was also the time the rental car decided to break down. That meant the Volturi were stuck on the side of the road in bad weather in the state of Arkansas.

"Well, this sucks," Marcus said as the car threw them all out and took off heading back to Florida.

"Don't we all know it," said Aro.

"The car was trying to force us to go to that Harry Potter theme park, but we said no," Caius cut in.

"Stupid fake wizard," Aro snapped. "I'm going to kill him if I meet him."

"Don't we all," said Alec.

"Before we do that," said Jane, "you'll be walking the dogs!" Shadow and Storm bounced around happily on their leashes.

"Do we really have time for that?" Aro cried out. "A storm is approaching and we really need to seek shelter for the humans."

"We can always take them and run," said Afton.

"Good idea," said Heidi.

So the Volturi and their human hostages all ran and ran until they reached Louisiana in a matter of seconds. Stopping in a restaurant, they decided that it was no use hunting and decided to get some human food instead.

A young woman went up to them and said, "Hi, welcome to Bon Temps..."

"Oh dear," said Athenodora. "Looks like we stumbled into the world of True Blood."

"Oh no!" cried the Volturi.

* * *

Uh oh! Looks like the Volturi are in the world of True Blood! What's going to happen with them while they are in Bon Temps?

PM me if you know anything about the _Vampire Diaries_ and/or _True Blood_ because I don't know anything about those two shows/books!

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	26. The Volturi & True Blood

The Volturi now found themselves in Bon Temps, Louisiana. In the world of True Blood.

Sookie Stackhouse walked up to them and said, "You guys look like you're thirsty."

"We are," said Caius. "We haven't been able to eat anyone."

"Here, try this," said Sookie as she came towards them with a drink in her hand.

"What on earth is ***THAT***?" cried Marcus.

"Oh that?" Sookie smiled at them. "Why, that's just True Blood."

"True Blood?" Everyone cried out.

"Well," said Sookie. "It's only a blood substitute..."

"Gimme!" Aro yelled as he snatched the drink out of her hand and gulped it all down.

Everyone gasped as they watched Aro down the entire contents of the bottle. "So, how does it taste?" yelled Damon.

"PERFECT!" Aro yelled out. "I must sing the praises of its maker!"

Caius grew jealous. He said, "Give me what he's having!"

"Me too!" yelled Demetri.

"Let's all have this drink!" yelled Stefan.

Within an hour and a half, the entire restaurant was filled with crazy drunk vampires. As the Volturi continued to get more and more drunk, a woman named Stephenie Meyer was sitting in a corner saying to herself, "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?"

* * *

Uh-oh! The Volturi have discovered True Blood! What will this do for those poor people who have to put up with them?

PM me if you know anything about the _Vampire Diaries_ and/or _True Blood_ because I don't know anything about those two shows/books!

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	27. Vampire Protest

For a while, the Volturi were content, living in the world of True Blood. And they were also drinking true blood as well.

After a few days in Bon Temps, it was time for the group to leave.

"What? You're leaving so soon?" cried Eric Northman.

Alaric said, "Surely you can stay for one more week."

"We'd love to," said Aro, "but we have some wolves to get revenge on. So just load us up a case of True Blood and we'll be on our way."

Sookie handed them several crates and said, "Are you sure you can't stay here for another week?"

"No," said Marcus.

"Hey look on TV!" Alec cried out. The Volturi all turned and saw James the nomad vampire standing on top of a car in a park in Seattle holding a vampire protest. Laurent and Victoria were standing next to him. Scores of angry vampires and humans alike were chanting.

"What on earth is this?" cried Jason, Sookie's brother.

"It's a vampire protest," said Caius. "When vampires protest, things don't always end well for the humans who often get caught up in the protests."

"I say we go find out why they're protesting," said Alec. "Who's coming?"

Within a few hours, the Volturi had taken another plane and ended up at Sea-Tac. As scores of angry vampires protested their stupid treatment in the streets, Aro had to wonder _is this going to be the future of our kind? Being humiliated like that? We can handle those stupid wolves poking fun at us and we can handle annoying humans who laugh at us every time we walk our dogs, but this is just stupid! I don't know what we're doing next!_

Caius said to them, "Those vampires are protesting against the movie _Vampires Suck_."

"I see," said Aro. "And now we shall go find out why they are protesting against that movie."

* * *

The Volturi have found out about the Vampires Suck movie! How are they going to react to it?

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	28. The Volturi watch Vampires Suck

Now we see the Volturi in the theater about to watch the movie "_Vampires Suck_".

* * *

"Remind me why we are watching this movie," Marcus frowned.

Buffy was sitting behind the group. She said, "I saw this movie three times and I still have yet to find out why it's so gosh darn funny!"

"I agree," said Willow. "Hey, aren't you guys the Volturi?"

"Uh, no they're not," said Angel. "They're just a bunch of pansies."

"Yeah," said Blade. "Everyone knows that the Volturi are those three crazy old guys who have little dogs..."

Right when he said that, Shadow and Storm showed up, barking their tiny heads off.

"Eeeeeekkkk!" Aro screamed as everyone laughed. "Sulpicia, why can't you keep up with them?"

Sulpicia said, "But Aro, everyone knows that you love your little dogs."

Caius cried out, "C'mon, Sully, really!"

Athenodora said, "Yes, Caius, we love our little dogs."

"Unfair," Marcus frowned.

As for the movie, they all walked out the theater in anger, with Caius swearing to hunt down and destroy the creators of the movie.

"Who wants to go out for pancakes?" Blade yelled. Everyone agreed.

* * *

Now the group includes Buffy and Blade.

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	29. The Volturi join the Vampire Protest

So, what happened after they saw the movie?

NOTE: I apologize for the length of chapters, they've been getting shorter and shorter lately. I hope to correct this next week.

* * *

After a breakfast of pancakes, the Volturi frowned as they watched the vampire protest continue outside.

Aro said, "This has gone far enough. We are the Volturi, the leaders of the vampire world. And we do not carry tiny dogs around as pets!"

Right on cue, Shadow and Storm lunged at him.

"You were saying?" Buffy asked.

"Cute dogs," said Spike.

"Oh come on!" yelled Caius.

"You were about to make a speech about the vampire protest," said Elena.

"Very good," said Caius. "At least someone knows how to focus on their goals instead of being distracted by cute little dogs…"

"And you better be nice to those dogs!" Athenodora snapped.

"Whatever," Aro frowned. He stood up and said, "All in favor of ending this ridiculous protest? We've got Wolves to humiliate!"

Everyone agreed and rushed outside, only to be caught up in the protest. "Well, this sucks," Marcus frowned.

* * *

So, how will they end the protest? And will they have an encounter with the Annoying Nomads? We'll see about that!

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	30. Stopping the Protest

And now for the encounter with the Annoying Nomads...

* * *

Aro blew an air horn, which had certainly gotten everyone's attention. "Now what is going on here?" he cried out.

"We're having a vampire protest," said a random person.

"A vampire protest?" said Damon.

"Yeah," said the person.

"People who like "_Vampires Suck_" should be staked!" yelled a woman as a huge outburst followed.

Aro blew the air horn again and said, "Now that I have your attention, let me just say this: _We are the Volturi_!"

"We are the greatest!" Caius echoed after him.

"So why are you all protesting?" Marcus asked.

"Because of the movie _Vampires Suck_," said an angry protester.

"I can see that," said Caius. "Now bring me those who started it."

At once, the nomads known as James, Laurent, and Victoria said, "What are you doing here?"

Aro said, "I think that's very impressive that you started this whole vampire protest, but it's gotten out of hand."

"So why the protest?" Marcus asked.

"Because of _Vampires Suck_," James snapped. "I personally want to destroy everyone who made the movie!"

"You really don't want to do that," said Eric.

"Why not?" said Laurent. "They made me look bad!"

"Instead of protesting and destroying half the city, you should sue the people who made the movie," said Caius.

"Yes," said Victoria. "Good idea...right after I get cleaned up." She then walked back to her house to get the stuff off her. (_She had had a bucket of fish guts dumped on her by Bella as an act of revenge for a similar humiliating incident that happened to Bella a few months before_.)

Marcus said, "And I thought that they were the troublemakers who put up that annoying video of themselves on YouTube."

"And I heard that you have tiny dogs," James smirked at him as Shadow and Storm began barking.

"Oh no, not you guys too!" Aro cried out as everyone else laughed.

* * *

There's still more!

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	31. At the Nomads's House

The Volturi et al are at the Annoying Nomads's house. You know the drill by now!

* * *

Aro frowned as he looked around the nomads's house. _How can they live like this, always annoying humans when they could be eating them _he thought to himself. Caius said to him, "Can you believe those guys? They who caused us a series of headaches are actually living it up in this city. Who do they think they are?"

"I think the blond one is kind of cute," said Elena.

"Yeah, if you like the bad boys," Stefan frowned.

Renee snapped and said, "I don't know what you think you are doing, but I have a certain ex-husband to confront…"

"Why do you have to confront him?" James smirked.

Renee said, "So, you're the guy who hurt my daughter?"

"Who? Bella?" asked Laurent.

"Yeah, that's my girl," Renee snapped as she lunged at James and knocked him over.

Felix and Alec saw the whole thing. "Oh look, everyone!" cried Alec. "Looks like a fight!" Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and went to see the fight. Renee had James's arm behind his back. She said, "This is for almost killing Bella, you monster!"

"In my defense, she did fall down a flight of stairs and out the window," James said.

"She was trying to get away from you!" Renee snapped as she slapped him. "And then that Edward showed up and…"

"His iffy sister broke my neck," James shouted back.

"Now, now, let's not kill each other," said Aro. "Save the fighting for that stupid cop; he deserves it…"

"I know he does," Renee yelled. "He knew better than to keep secrets away from me, especially as far as Bella is concerned."

Caius said, "Why don't we stay here a few days and then head on to Forks? That'll give us some time to plot revenge for the wolves humiliating us." Everyone agreed.

* * *

The Season Finale is on Thursday, April 14, 2011! At that time, I'll wrap up the story and then introduce the second season of the Volturi Diaries!

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	32. Season 1 Finale!

And now for the season finale of "_The Volturi Diaries_"...

* * *

It was now time for the Volturi and the others to head to Forks.

Aro frowned as the car (_which was being driven by the Annoying Nomads_) sped towards the tiny town, where he had been humiliated last year by the Wolves of La Push, not to mention being arrested by the police for disturbing the peace of the town.

In Forks, Charlie Swan and the rest of the police force were waiting for them to arrive. So were the Cullens and the Wolves. This was going to be a reunion like no other.

As soon as the "_Welcome to Forks, Washington_" sign was behind the car, Caius laughed and said, "We're in Forks now, you stupid cops! Just try and stop us!"

Just then, a huge wolf jumped in front of the car. "Holy crap!" Damon cried out as he saw the wolf.

"Look at the size of that thing!" cried Angel.

"It's freaking huge!" yelled Alaric.

"Oh no!" cried Aro. "It's those La Push Wolves! They're the ones who humiliate us every day!"

To make things worse, Charlie stood next to the car and said, "Hah! So you've returned to disturb our town once again!"

"We're just here for a friendly visit," said Marcus. "Is that a crime?"

"No," said Renee as she jumped out of the car. "The real crime is Charlie not telling me about our granddaughter!"

"Really?" said Charlie. "But then again, I told Bella that it wasn't a good idea to tell you…"

SLAP! "Charles Andrew Swan, you will tell me the truth about our daughter!" Renee yelled.

"Mom?" cried Bella. "Why are you here?"

"To see my granddaughter, of course!" Renee said.

Meanwhile, Aro was yelling at Carlisle for telling the Wolves that the Volturi were coming. "We're going to humiliate you!" Jacob laughed as he and the other Wolves threw pudding at the evil vampires.

Bree was not forgotten. She said, "I still haven't gotten over the fact that you tore me to pieces!" She then proceeded to throw red Jell-O at the Volturi.

"Eeeek!" Aro screamed as the food got all over his clothes. "You iffy little Wolves have humiliated me! Again!"

Carlisle smiled and said, "In their defense, you brought it upon yourselves."

"Oh, you're so mean, Carlisle!" Caius yelled. "How could you be so mean?"

"Plain and simple; you're an idiot!" Jacob laughed.

Meanwhile, Renee looked at Renesmee and said to Bella, "You know you could have told me about Renesmee; I had no idea that you and Edward had wanted children."

"Finally!" Bella cried out. "A parent who isn't calling her by that stupid nickname Nessie!"

Renee wasn't finished yet. "And what's this I hear about your father dating Sue Clearwater?"

Edward then said, "Her husband died and Bella convinced Charlie that he should try to find love again."

"Indeed," Renee said as she stared at her former husband. "Charlie?"

Charlie tried to change the subject by saying, "Oh, and did I ever tell you that Bella and Edward are expecting their second child?"

Renee was beyond angry now. "WHAT? CHARLES ANDREW SWAN, PREPARE TO DIE!" She pounced on him and tried to strangle him as Edward tried to separate them.

"Oh my," Buffy said as she watched the fight. "This was not what I had in mind!"

"Me neither," Sookie agreed.

Elena said, "Well, things could get worse..."

And yes, things did get worse. The Wolves came at the Volturi with their sharp teeth, claws, and video cameras, chasing those poor vampires all the way to Tacoma, Washington.

Phil, however, was the only one who was not affected by the ongoing events. "This is the best vacation ever!" he cheered, but fell silent when he saw everyone glaring at him.

* * *

(_a few days later_)

Aro cried out in pain as the Volturi returned home. As promised, they had been duly humiliated.

"I can't believe those stupid werewolves decided to humiliate us again!" Caius growled.

"We'll get our revenge on them soon enough," said Marcus.

"I think we forgot something…" Felix said. Sure enough, they saw a group of angry Charlie Bone fans camping outside their castle.

"Didn't we capture those kids a few chapters ago?" said Alec.

Charlie stood at the front of the group with chocolate cake in his hands. "GET THEM!" he yelled as the angry fans threw cake at the Volturi.

"Run for your lives!" Aro yelled as the group fled from the castle.

_End of season one of the Volturi Diaries. If you think this is even remotely funny, then wait for the second season, which is coming soon to a fan fiction website near you!_

* * *

And so, with the closing of this story, I say that there are several things in this season that need to be resolved in the second season, and there will be even more crazy crossovers with **The Vampire Diaries** and **True Blood**, plus they get to meet the cast of **House of Night** as well.

See you all soon!


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